STAGE 1: Planning

I love having a plan. It's fantastic. There are clearly defined objectives, direction, and it's just so much easier. Unfortunately, life doesn't always work that way. I think most of the frustrating parts of my life originate from that area that isn't planned. But a lot of the amazing parts come from there as well. When I left for China a year ago, I had a rough outline for how the next 20 or so years should go. That clearly hasn't played out considering how I'm stateside for the time being. 

Once I decided to leave my job, I had only 12 days to get my entire life together into suitcases to bring back to the US. I can honestly say I brought a bunch of stuff with me that I didn't need to because I couldn't decide what to bring back and what to get rid of. It was definitely not enough time to deal with all of my emotions that correspond with moving your life halfway around the world. I couldn't even let myself break down enough to cry even with everything that was going on: quitting my job, the end of school year, saying goodbye to my friends and students, packing all my belongings, etc. The main focus was to get on the plane and that was difficult enough without dealing with my emotions.

Once I was on the plane though, doubt began to creep in. Am I really making the right decision? This question began racing through my head on repeat. But I would look back at all my reasons why it was the right thing and just recognize why it was. Even though it seemed like a quick decision, it was months in the making. At least 2 months where I was actively seeking direction and praying about what I should do next. I asked one of my friends who is a few years older than me and has taught back in her home country and in China for a while for her advice. I know with every fiber of my being that it was the correct decision, but it is terrifying to not have a plan as a legitimate grownup. 

I had focused so much on just getting onto the plane that when I landed in Chicago, I didn't know what to do. I knew I had to wait for my aunt and mom to pick me up from the airport because they got stuck in traffic. I knew I had a trip planned to New York City and that somehow that would help me define what I should be doing next. Once I had arrived back in the States, I could adjust and take a deep breath without the stress of being a foreigner in China overhanging me with every moment. 

I'm learning to be patient with myself and to be comfortable with uncertainty. I'm in the planning stages of this next step. I am dealing with culture shock and the adjusting back. My imaginings in how culture shock would work are very different than reality. Currently just dealing with life in English and engaging in small talk are some of my biggest issues. I have forgotten how to have casual conversations with people around me. It's just very different than how I operated in the US back before China. I've done a lot of changing in the little things over the past year that I just have begun to notice as I acclimate to the American lifestyle.

I'm planning. I'm scheming. I'm working on my "next big thing". I might move, or I might stay. This life is able to change quickly and I'm excited to see how this "planning stage" unfolds. Stay tuned for further updates!