Simmering frustration.

I try really hard to be a positive person. I’m always looking for a way to find the bright side in situations. Sometimes I crack somewhat inappropriate jokes about things that are actually super serious just to attempt to relieve the stress and diffuse the situation to some degree. Today was kinda like that. Warning, this blog post won’t be totally positive.

Last week, a couple of my classmates and I went to Identity Malta to check on the status of our residence permits and they wouldn’t give us any information that would help us know when we would receive them. Feeling rather dejected, we continued onto the Spanish Embassy in Malta to confirm some information regarding our mobilities to Spain for our second semester in our grad programs. While we were there, the embassy was telling us we have to apply for student visas and the process was about 5,000 times more complicated than we were expecting. Any sort of positive energy we had before that visit had evaporated into wisps of steam floating off of our infuriated and exhausted brains. After this, we sent an email to the people in charge of our program both here in Malta and in Spain. Things ended up getting cleared up, and I picked up my Maltese Residence Permit earlier today and will just have to transfer it to Spain once I arrive there. I honestly think it’s a God thing that it got taken care of so quickly after having battled what feels like everyone for the previous 2 months.

I think it was a lot easier to just mentally manage the residence permit thing, even though it was totally overwhelming, because there is a set deadline and scheduling aspect to it. The existence of it having both a start and end date makes it simpler to grasp.

One of the most frustrating parts of traveling and international life for me is managing my bipolar. I’ve been diagnosed for almost 6 years and stable on the same medications for close to 4 years. Every single country I’ve visited has included me packing my bipolar medications in my carry-on. I’ve learned tips and tricks on how to manage it and live the crazy lifestyle I have, but sometimes it just gets to be a bit too much. Today was one of those days. Since I’m a foreigner, I have to have private health insurance that covers basically everything. I went to the doctor back last month to get more of my regular medications, he gave me a pretty long shelf-life prescription so I can use it for the rest of the time I’m in Malta and hopefully while I’m in Spain too. The problem with this though was that the pharmacy didn’t count the right number of pills I would need for a month of medication and I didn’t catch it at the time. So that one month of medication only lasted about 18 days for one type of pills and about 30 days for the other type. I need both of these to do life normally, but this created a problem for me.

Since life was so busy figuring out legal immigration stuff and with school, I forgot to take care of it until the end of last week. I emailed my health insurance about how I could get more medication but didn’t get a response. I waited until yesterday to try to get more so that I could see if my insurance would prepay the cost of the medication as it is supposed to. Also, pharmacies in Malta are nothing like pharmacies in the US. These pharmacies are small mom and pop shops with a limited supply of everything. So I went to the pharmacy yesterday and they didn’t have the medication I needed in stock. “Can you wait until tomorrow to receive your medication?” Once that question was asked at 5 pm, I knew I couldn’t get my medication anywhere else before the end of the day. After all, I did have 4 of the 5 pills I needed to take between the two types of medication. I falsely grinned and replied, “That should be fine.” Then I began to mentally prepare myself for how in the world I was going to do life without a full dose of medication.

Luckily, actually unluckily, while I was in China, I was unable to get to a doctor and get more medicine for 5 days after I ran out of pills so I had some idea of how to prepare myself for not having my medication. The thing too about having bipolar is that taking your medication regularly and keeping in control of yourself is how you manage to not have any mania or depression. I struggled with this while I was in my undergrad. I didn’t take my medication regularly or properly categorize my emotions and it ended quite badly. So there was quite some stress and fear involved with the thought of not taking a full dose of medication both in China and last night. I honestly feel like the reason I was able to get through those several days in China without my medication with no side effects was through the power of prayer. But mentally, when I don’t have a full dose of medication, I don’t feel right.

My body has become accustomed to receiving a full dosage of medication every single night before I fall asleep. It is the key to my routine as I travel to keep my bipolar under control. When this happened in China, I felt really mentally out of it for the entire time and couldn’t sleep properly. However, since I was only missing part of my medication last night, it wasn’t too terrible. I definitely didn’t sleep properly and my head has only felt slightly out of wack and like it is floating above me. Nothing like that time in China.

The real thing with this is that my reaction to when something gets messed up with either my neck or bipolar, it is automatically so much more of a visceral response. I get instantly angry. My temper gets so short. I get so mad at myself for having to deal with such problems. If my neck starts hurting really bad for days or my medication is messed up, I tend to blame myself and get mad at myself for not being like everyone else who doesn’t have these problems. I know that everyone has their own set of challenges that they are dealing with so I shouldn’t compare myself to them. But sometimes I can’t help myself. I wish I was a whole person who could remember what it was like to turn her head. I wish I could never have to take medication again in order to trust myself and my brain. I grieve these losses to my body because just a bit over 12 years ago I didn’t have any of those problems. I was a 12-year-old little girl who was a ridiculously skinny, horse-crazy, whole person without any sort of physical or mental limitations beyond the glasses I had to wear. I wouldn’t change the person who I am today, because without those struggles I wouldn’t be the Victoria I am today. But sometimes it’s hard.

Today I’m frustrated and it’s okay. It has to be. This is my new normal and I have to just deal with it. This new normal may have bipolar and neck problems, but it also includes traveling around the world and I love that. I guess you win some and you lose some. That’s just how life has to be.