The thought that plagues me.

It’s currently 3 am here in Malta as I’m writing. I just couldn’t fall asleep because of this thought I’ve been having run through my brain for the past month. Also, sorry I’ve missed the past two weeks. The first one was because I was preaching at my church and wanted to put all of my mental energy into that. The second was because I had a block course last week that fit an entire semester-long course into one week of five consecutive days with 5 continuous hours of sitting in a lecture hall learning about Management. I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would, but it took up all of my energy, mental and otherwise.

But the thought I’ve been having run through my brain is complex. I’ve been forced to wrestle with hard things since starting this degree program. There are more aspects of Humanitarian Action than I ever imagined before beginning this journey of my postgraduate education. If there’s one thought that keeps getting pressed into every lecture and reading I’ve been to and had, it would be simple to explain and hard to apply. The goal of my future career is for fewer people to die. I will (if my career progresses accordingly) be forced to make decisions regularly that affect people in crises and trauma I can never understand fully and be the person responsible for deciding who lives and dies (to some extent). And it’s a weighty concept.

I’ve always dreamed of changing the world on a macro scale and making it a better place as a whole. However, that idealistic bubble has been thoroughly popped. There is a great deal of responsibility I will be given and it’s difficult to wrap my mind around. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully understand it. That 22-year-old girl who graduated college with more stars in her eyes than, in some ways, sense has been slapped in the face by the cruel hard world in many ways. International and cross-cultural living will do that to a person. I studied Intercultural Studies for my degree and I’m so thankful I did because it helped prepare me in many ways I needed. I’m able to analyze the culture around me and understand the stages of culture shock and such that I’m in. One of my most valuable tools.

Victoria in 2019 is a different Victoria than Victoria in 2017. Oh so different. I don’t ever feel like I’m able to fit into any one culture because my life hasn’t been in a singular culture since I graduated. That’s difficult. And it will only become more difficult throughout my life. It feels difficult to have anyone understand me. And no one will able to ever fully understand my life experiences because of the crazy journey my life has been on. That’s hard and it’s only going to get harder as I uncover some of the rawest experiences of humanity in the world today on a personal level. This is honestly a struggle, even now.

Who lives and who dies? Who gets the vaccine that will prevent them from getting the measles and which vulnerable group can’t receive it due to a lack of access and supplies? What pressing need in a world of pressing and desperate needs will be able to get funding and enough awareness that that small sliver of humanity will be able to improve their lives and ideally have an opportunity to live another day, week, month, year? Who fleeing a warzone will be able to get to safety where there is a level of security that their child will not get bombed on their way to school and who will be forced back into that dangerous environment with a mark against them for the future if it happens again? I can’t answer these questions. I might be forced into an environment where I have to be the deciding factor with a lot of supporting opinions helping decern which is the correct decision and path.

I wrestle with this. I dwell on this in the moments of silence. It creeps up on me while I’m dealing with Malta’s horrendous public transit system of unreliable buses. At least I know in some advance that it’s coming. But I’m not looking forward to some of the consequences of those decisions. In the future, there will be nights where I’m plagued by the faces of a poor decision and clinging to the victories, as few or many as they might be. Instead of staying up at night wondering what might be, I will know of what I’ve done, doubting myself the entire way, attempting to live with it all.

I know this is the path I’ve been called upon, for at least this time period in my life. It seems to fit what my gifts and talents are. But it won’t be an easy one. I’ll get to live out that sense of adventure I’ve always possessed, but it might get to be too much of an adventure. I have to decide how much of the cultural context I have to abide by and what I need to stand up for. More sleepless nights are in my future, but at least I’m not hounded by my mistakes at the moment. Give it a few years and it’ll change, but it’s a process and a journey. A journey taken one step at a time.