Shameless, Brash, or Brave?

So I don’t feel super terrible right now for not posting a blog post last week. It kinda seems like I posted one on Facebook each day being a fan girl for my graduate school program. #noshame

As I normally seem to do during writing a blog post, let me fill you in on the environment I am currently experiencing. My fingers are chilly and I’m wishing I would have worn a long-sleeve shirt under this leather jacket. I can see several random buildings from my seat outside of a cafe in Rotterdam. I’ve been exploring the city for the morning and wandering around, somewhat aimlessly. For the last few days I’ve been staying at my friend Jessica’s house with her and her family. So thankful for their generosity in letting me stay and getting to know them better. 

I’m in a predominantly English-free environment, although most people can speak English after I speak to them first in English. I keep wanting to say different phrases in Chinese, since that is the lingua franca of my previous international home. XieXie, BuKuQi, NiHao are some of the phrases I’ve had to just stop myself from uttering. (Also this pinyin might be terrible, but at least I recognize it.) The Dutch version of warm weather and my own are extremely different, I’ve quickly come to recognize. Literally the temperature of the inside of the church I went to on Sunday was the same as the winter temperature of Guangzhou. Wearing a dress was a bad idea.

It is rather surprising to recognize the ways I’ve been growing and changing over the past two weeks from when I left home. As what always happens when I travel, I feel more like myself than I did back home. I’m more engaged with the environment around me. My curiosity is constantly piqued. I feel absolutely no shame in being who I am, even though I didn’t actually listen to that back at home. By knowing that I’ve once again opted out of the stereotypical narrative of a 24 year-old back at home, I feel freedom. 

There really isn’t anyone to compare myself to because I’ve never known someone to follow the path I am beginning right now. While I really enjoy that most of the time, there is that subtle sense of groundbreaking the path for others. While scrolling through my various feeds of social media, I see engagement announcements, wedding photos, and signs announcing that a child is either on its way or just took their first breath. I wonder if I’m missing out on something by choosing a different path. But the comparison game is a dangerous one. You never know what’s happening behind the scenes of the smiling photos. I also know that some people compare their lives to mine, with my crazy risk-taking and traveling. But there is a price that comes from that. There is always going to be parts of myself that no matter where I am no one is ever going to understand. I can’t just easily fall back into my home culture because my travels and experiences have changed me.

Last week marked a new start for me. I’m in the process right now of becoming an international humanitarian aid worker. This job and career I’m seeking and feel called to will definitely not be an easy one. It will be emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting. With this choice, the subtle cultural differences I’ve noticed over the past couple of years will become more pronounced as I’m confronted by the harsh realities of what existence looks like for the least of these. 

I will fail and that is a fact I am forced to recognize. I will have hard days where all I want to do is cry and go home and get a hug from my mom. But I can’t just give up. Who else would go if I’m not willing to? Courage, bravery, or stupidity, choose one if you wish. When confronted by the things that scare you and should, what is your initial response? Is it to hide your face and try to ignore it because it terrifies you? Is it to brashly walk forward without the qualifications? Or is it to slowly confront the difficulties and try to conquer them? 

To say I’m not scared about the uncertainty that my path is leading towards would be a total lie. But I’ve been gifted with privilege, and I’m learning how much more I have every day. Maybe somehow in the future my brash bravery (or stupidity) will open doors for someone else to do even greater things. Maybe I really can change the world, only time will tell.