The Worst Moment of My Life.

Imagine the worst moment of your life. Dwell there for just a moment. How old were you? What did you feel? What happened? What did the air smell like? Ask yourself all of the little questions that you need to in order to take yourself back into that moment.

This is mine. It was 4,375 days ago. Or almost 12 years ago. I was a scrawny 12-year-old who was just 20 days shy of becoming an official teenager. I played in a basketball game that morning (and was absolutely the worst player there). It was my dad’s weekend so I was spending time with him and his side of the family. I even got to ride a horse earlier that day. But the worst moment is when I was throwing up on myself in a hospital bed with my parents (in the same room!) praying that I would survive. I was a little girl scared of the little scars that the HALO brace would give me on my forehead. I had been bucked off of a horse and broken my neck. No one knew what would happen. There was a real possibility I could die. I kept thinking of all the things that I hadn’t done yet, because I was too young to experience them. “What if I” questions ran through my head in a whirlwind. I was scared. I had no idea what would ever happen. Would I have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair if I had complications? So many unknown variables were happening. I didn’t know yet that my neck would heal wrong and I would need more scars than the four tiny scars from the screws of my HALO. Over a year and a half in a neck brace, and I still had to get my neck bones screwed together a year, a month, and two days after I broke my neck because of its swan-like appearance. With my 131 degree complication and the unknown variable of 2 compressed vertebra, almost no doctor in the entire United States would even look at my case, let alone help me.

This is the moment I go back to when I want perspective. And I do go back frequently. One of the thoughts I have had over the past 12 years is that I must be here for a reason. While I was lying on the cold, November ground with a grass stain on my forehead and a bloody nose staring up at the sky, I was also asserting that I needed to ride in an ambulance to the hospital because I watched a lot of Discovery Health channel as a child and loved hearing about the Untold Stories of the ER. The consensus was to pick me up and take me to the hospital, but if that had happened, I would not be writing this post and chances are you would have never known me. If somehow God saved me from such a terrible situation as this, I must have a greater purpose.

What about my life now would I want to know when I was in the worst moment of my life? I would have wanted to know that I’m okay. Neck pain exists, but I don’t take any medication for it beyond the occasional ibuprofen. I graduated high school and college. I moved to China. I became a teacher. I’ve visited over 15 countries. I’ve gotten into an amazing graduate school program that should lead exactly to where I feel like I should be. I’m alive. I even finished a half-marathon! I’m beyond blessed with amazing people around me who love and support me. Life is here. It’s good, but I’ve also had to fight for it. I had to do all of the hard work to get here. I’ve fought battles I never would have known about as a child. Life has had its challenges, but most of all, I’m alive and healthy. Perspective is key.

My best friend from when I was living in China is here visiting me. Sophia is from Antigua, not China, and it’s beyond crazy. I’m so happy that I’m actually able to see her again in real life. We were having a conversation earlier today about finding our purposes in life and I was talking about something similar to this, but the extended version. I kept talking about what I wish I would have know when I was laying on that hospital bed 4,375 days ago. What I wish someone would have told me or my family about what I would achieve the future, or was even within the realm of possibilities.

I was scrolling through Facebook while shopping in T.J. Maxx with Sophia and saw a photo of a little girl in a HALO brace. There was someone asking for prayer requests for this little girl who had broken her neck and was getting a similar surgery as I had. I noticed the little girl looked even younger than I did, but she was sitting and smiling in her HALO brace in the photo. This little girl is living and experiencing something that no one should ever experience and it’s terrible. I wish no one would ever relate to or experience what this is. So I sent a message to be forwarded onto the family, writing all of the things that I had just been talking about with Sophia just an hour before. My heart was broken, and I almost started crying as I typed out my message sitting in the shoe section of the store. Please pray for her and her family. As I don’t know her personally or her family, I’m not mentioning any details here to give them privacy. But there is a little girl with a broken neck and a HALO brace in need of all the prayers she can get.

You see. We never know what exactly these moments of absolute terror, defeat, trauma, grief, or darkness will do or mean in the future. I’m not saying here that we should idolize terrible things or that they should happen. If you exist as a human, bad things will happen and that’s just a fact. I don’t think that we should blame God for causing bad things to happen. Some things just happen and you just have to deal with them. You cannot change what has happened, but all you can do is control your reaction to what has happened. Also, when looking at bad things that have happened, remember that they are all subjective for each person so someone else’s may seem like something not too terrible for you, but they could be the most crushing moment of their lives. With these low moments, use them as a yardstick to measure how far you’ve come. Measure whatever variable matters to you. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re still alive however many days beyond this worst moment. Maybe you’ve done something, even though not groundbreaking, but nonetheless something you’re proud of. Use whatever it is that allows you to see that even though the worst moment of your life has happened, there is so much more yet that is possible for you to accomplish. Even if it is just finishing that leftover pizza in the refrigerator.