Solitude and silence. These are two words and ideas I have struggled with as long as I can remember. I’m extremely good at finding ways to weasel my way out of doing or being alone or in the quiet. When I would go on walks, I would either be listening to music or talking to someone. I just couldn’t stand the idea of not having any noise. I also couldn’t understand why someone would actively want to be alone. I remember having a project when I was in college where I had to seek out solitude, and I hated every minute of it and said I would never do that again.

Then China happened. It was hard. It was noisy. It was crowded. It was the complete opposite of everything I had ever known. So I began to crave the quiet. I wished so frequently that I could be alone where there wouldn’t be any people around speaking languages I did not understand in the slightest. As a coping mechanism, I would only walk around and do my everyday life wearing headphones so my brain wouldn’t be so overwhelmed by every detail surrounding me. It was difficult, but I grew more in that one year than I ever imagined I would. 

Then I came home. I only had about 12 days to adjust my plans before I left China for not just the summer, but for the foreseeable future. That was not enough time. I arrived feeling broken in many ways and also feeling like I had failed. I went out into the world to do awesome, great, and crazy things, but I didn’t feel like I had finished them. I mean, I quit my job. And if there’s one thing I never wanted to be, that is a quitter. 

I came home to my small, farm town where I had lived and grown up for in someways my entire life, but in others only for the last half of my schooling. Wow. That felt like I had really lost. My brokenness just sat there and I tried to ignore all of the everything I was feeling for a while. But when you live in a town of 1,200 people there isn’t much to distract you with. So I was forced to sit with and deal with all of my emotions.

In a lot of ways, I have had a traumatic life. Not as much as many other people, but still a lot. My childhood was complicated. Between my parents’ divorce and breaking my neck, there were a lot of things I had to handle that I really wasn’t prepared for. But I guess no one ever is. I always felt like I needed to conquer these challenges. I couldn’t just get through them, I had to be the best in someway to get over them. Not really a healthy way of dealing with things. Then came college. I grew so much while I was there and loved my studies at Olivet. But there was a dark shadow overhanging me during those years and it’s name is bipolar disorder. Those four years were spent studying and battling my emotions and at sometimes sanity. At many points, I thought I might just lose that battle. Thankfully, though I was able to get access eventually to a great doctor who figured out the correct medication combination to manage my bipolar and a great counselor who allowed me to discover how to deal with my emotions in a healthy manor. I also had amazing friends and professors and others around me who became a great safety net to help me become the person I was meant to be becoming.

Then China. Oh China. The amount of complicated emotions that just naming that country brings up is indescribable. I both loved and hated it. I hated that I couldn’t communicate with others easily and was allergic to much of the food. But I loved so many of the people I was able to meet and become close to during that year. I loved how I was able to break away from the narrative of what my life should look like to others. It gave me such emotional freedom.

This past year has been difficult in many ways I never imagined. I would have never guessed in my wildest imaginations that I would ever live in Chrisman again after graduating high school. I forced myself to be still. To be still and process my entire life and take that break I ever so much needed, even though I felt that I was in many ways a failure. So I structured it in my brain as a strategic retreat. Which it did become. I was forced to do the things I never thought I would ever want to do, but discovered I actually enjoyed them. I can now enjoy sitting in a room by myself in silence with minimal distraction. Being still allowed me to find a graduate program which from my current understanding, seems absolutely perfect for me and what I want to do. I’ve learned to be so thankful for the people who have helped shape me into the person I am today and am still in the process of becoming. I’m thankful now for the events which have shaped me, even though many of them, I would never wish had happen.

I got that hit to my pride that I discovered I needed and has allowed me to become more humble and gracious. 

So thank you. Thank you to the people who have supported me over the years. Thank you for helping me and being there for me. I’m thankful for the small town that seemed too small for most of my life, because it allowed me to dream. And to dream beyond what I ever imagined. As I take this next step with graduate school, I finally feel at peace with both my past and the person I am. Flaws and all. I am accepting both of them, and will continue to strive to become the best I can. Even when I fail and need to take a strategic retreat.